Hey, I never said I was THAT prolific

Screen-Shot-2013-09-03-at-9.49.59-AMAs alluded to earlier in the last post, today (and for that matter yesterday) has managed to be swallowed up in the blast radius of a giant pulse bomb known as “circumstances.”  Take that to mean work, the day, the hours, the nature of the beast . . . whatever.

I was going to drive over to the local Barnes & Noble and start asking for books that aren’t even in existence, but I think I am too tired.  I feel like I have Mononucleosis or something.

I did go over to the public library, waded my way through the “homeless with a smartphone” contingent, headed upstairs and found a couple of cool books about CS Lewis.

I sincerely want to write a book on the man.  But wow.  One has to get up really early to know more about that guy than the people that are already nursing a healthy obsession with the man now.

Speaking of which. Mark Twain was,at one time, my favorite author.  The problem with discussing Lewis or Twain with any of my friends is–they only have cursory knowledge of either. So lewis becomes the guy that “wrote the book about Narnia that Disney filmed,” and Twain becomes the guy that used the pejorative N-Word in Huckleberry Finn.

And yes. Huckleberry Finn is perhaps the true flashpoint for American literature.  Stand down, shallow denizen of the rock. The use of the word in the book is the greatest tool for arguing against using it now. It was literally like the imprecatory phrase all men are created equal–both create the inertia for ultimate truths that would follow later.

But if I have to choose a favorite work, It’s The Innocents Abroad–Twain’s pilgrimage to Europe, and the Holy Land.  I have a 113-year-old copy on my shelf.  If I ever get rich enough to own one with an autograph in it, I will. (though I did manage to get prolific actor, Hal Holbrook, the greatest performing impersonator of Twain in the world to sign the one I do have)

And of COURSE blogging will provide that windfall. I can feel it.

 

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Sometimes

Work is so crazy, I start pining for exile on an island, suffering from seclusion, dehydration, and hallucinogenic turns while anthropomorphising a volleyball.

Consider this a blog post.

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Oh yeah, and one more thing: regarding negativity

FullSizeRender-2I could very well be accused of being 100 percent negative and rueful, melancholy and perhaps a bit spiteful in that last post.  And perhaps I can cop to bits and pieces of all of that.

I know that this blog can tend to throw one off a bit, because one day, I’m writing some allegedly deep, introspective piece about man’s fall from Eden.  Another day, I’m pining for another chance to don an ape suit and throw my unsuspecting, fellow man into a tizzy.

Right after that, I’ve got nether-lout Satan showing up to distance himself from windswept, narcissistic crooners with marginally-verfiable talent.  Then, half a day later, I’ve got some multi-dimensional CS lewis quote glimmering in the center.

Then, today, I simply find a flowery way to say “I’ve about had it with thug life, crack heads, and deluded young men that think I can hear the hip-hop soundtrack in their heads when they enter the room.”

Truth be told, there is nothing hypocritical about any of this.  The Ecclesiastical itemizations will tell you “to everything there is a season.”  I just happen to have seasonal climate changes on a daily basis sometimes.

And so do you. I just find it easier to admit to myself and others lately.  And there is a great relief in “not being perfect.”

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Dysfunctional people apparently inspire me. But I still don’t like them

IMG_4913So . . . today wasn’t exactly a prolific day for blogging.  I’d like to say it was because I was primarily engaged in a gainful career with lots and lots of little hopeful, rays of the ultraviolet variety.

But I wasn’t.  I spent eight hours in a schizophrenic, hyper-vigilant fog.  Babysitting the distilled genus of the opportunistic social carp.  Yet, even the worst moments of circling the inside of that paycheck-producing porcelain bowl provide me a few cool ideas.

One of those ideas is the appearance of my third-grade avatar, named Dunning Kreuger.  And while I should not give away the gag here, I will: he will be reviewing notoriously famous books, and maybe movies . . . and clearly . . .not understanding the true pathos contained therein.

Believe it or not, that idea came to me exactly when as I was being flipped off and told I am apparently 95 years old and need to commit a conjugal sin against myself.  I went right out, a half an hour later, and blogged it on my break yesterday.

Up until that moment, I simply thought it was an interpersonal conflict regarding authority. I discovered, though, there is a HUGE creative, inspirational vortex to be found within PS4-addled tantrums thrown by young men men permanently suspended in a mental third trimester.

Tomorrow, I’m hoping that someone throwing their food tray because there are no “seconds” will inspire me to write a voluminous trilogy on the socio-political ramifications of socialized medicine.  Maybe being called “Jack Frost” for the fiftieth time this week to the snotty chortles of a rabid pack of optics-savants-noticing-my-white-hair-and-will-obviously-be writing-for-Jimmy-Kimmel-in-two-weeks will finally be the flash point that pushes me seek out a literary agent and get the ball rolling.

And maybe that last bit is true.  Maybe I’ve finally had enough of being the striped-shirted,  oft-maligned referee of the Northern California bottom-feeder tournament.

I may not be better than them, but I AM–better than that. And I think it’s finally time to do something about it.

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Sunday’s phlegmatia 

FullSizeRender-2I probably made up a word by doing that up there, but I don’t care. After the horrible syntax, diction and compounded Ebonics overload Satan used in the previous column (probably half of which have been given some form of itemized validation by those Oxford savants) I figure I can just come in here with a “no quarter” approach to the Grammar rent-a-cops.

Besides, I at least need SOME interesting way to say, “I have nothing of interest to post at the moment.”

This is, primarily because I am at work, and a ten minute span in the parking lot with a sub-par iphone app doesn’t exactly cry “CANVAS, LEONARDO!”

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When I waived my hands in the air, I cared. I just lied about it.

By Satan, Guest Columnist

By Satan,
Guest Columnist

I don’t know about you, but Ima ’bout to go sideways up in here.

I’m fittin’ to get up in yo grill. I’m gonna put you all on notice right now before I head back to the crib: Lucifer is about to flash!

I already told you I’m not responsible for Justin Bieber’s career.  Lay anything else you want to my charge, but I’m not copping to that one.

But I’m also going to say this.  No longer will I be goaded into waving my upper extremities in reckless fashion while being psi-puppeted into some rhythmically-induced apathy about the matter.  You rappers need to knock it off with the ad hoc pseudo hypnotism, swoon theories, and overmodulated interrogations about loose dogs,  and get back to green-lighting the crips in the second stanza of your music.

But next time I wave my hands in the air, I WILL care, Homie. I cared last time.  DO SOMETHING!

Word.

 

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My ebay auction.

THIRTEEN BIDS LATER: a whopping $3.29.

The wind is at my back.

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Guest post: book reviews gone awry

IMG_5512

By Dunning Kreuger, guest columnist

I really want to say how much I like William Golding’s Lord of The Flies.  It’s a super neat book with lots of twists and turns, for the intellectual like me.

For those that may not grasp the scope of the book, I’ll sum it up! A group of kids wind up stranded on an island ( No SPOILERS! LOL!).  As the days pass, they beimagegin to learn the value of teamwork, load sharing and the communal  and inspirational value of the unified,  corporate chant.  These interpersonal skills come together, when the group stages a beachside intervention with Simon, who clearly fancies himself the outlier.

A good book! Recommended for small children!

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Jesus Culture is in Brazil

If you’re in São Paulo tonight, go see them. 

 

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‘Bigfoot Hunt’ Goes Wrong… Horribly, Horribly Wrong

The epic quote for me:

“Any story that starts out that someone is on a hunt for Sasquatch (Bigfoot), we probably have problems with you from the get go,” Rogers County Sheriff Scott Walton told local media.

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