Richie Kotzen better give me credit for that girth feature, or I’m gonna go vertical up in here

By Satan, Guest Columnist

By Satan,
Guest Columnist

I just spent all night, sitting up and seeding Richie Kotzen’s  Live from Sao Paulo into my torrent uploader.  I’m a spiteful wraith. That’s right, people.  Surely you don’t think the toxic, infernal underpinnings that brought you the Kardashian family is going to care about devaluing the musical currency by pumping the acoustic Fed full of .mp3’s, right?

Oh, and not to be petty, but I heard a friend of a friend say that Richie was  . . . ahem, using a pick during his brief and vascular sit-in with Grinder’s Blues at NAMM.  I’m not saying it’s true or anything . . . I’m just luxuriating in the idea  that “scandal has really well-developed quadriceps.”

I just can’t navigate the asteroid field of untruths alone.  I’m not exactly omnipresent, you know.

I’m heading over to that Tech 21 and putting Andrew Barta on notice.  This “girth” setting on the OMG pedal was MY idea. I invented it for the sole purpose of proprietary isolation–To Wit: I need guitarists to struggle with tone. I need cursing. I need derision. Quite simply, I need the existential angst that accompanies the frustrated, fulminating guitar hack to invoke me.  And you people aren’t really helping me do that now, are you

If I were you, I’d put this little feature back in the holes, and walk away.

Start messing around with the inharmonious relationships between guitarists and their gear like this, and I don’t get to hang out in the anterooms of  chaos. I don’t get summoned to the shores of Loch Ness by one Jimmy page’s  cacophonous digressions. I can’t EVEN respond to some odd, shamanic nonsense belched out by Jim Dandy at a Black Oak Arkansas reprise–invocations are becoming weak. I NEED rage.

Okay, actually I’m lying. I really don’t need any of that–not since I simply talked Glenn Danzig into drawing pentagrams on the floor of every venue.  MEET AND GREET!

But really, Richie.  The GIRTH setting?  You and I BOTH know YOURS TRULY invented a way to widen the breadth of a guitar tone to flawlessly match even one of those appallingly anemic Blues Junior amplifiers.  I even heard a guy use one at church . . . . I mean at A church I might have been walking by and stuff . . . I mean, well anyway . . . he was making it sound all big tent in there–even if he REFUSES to sing about me with ANY deferential tone.  I wish I knew why he was so put off .

Like an infernal trinity, that THIRD button from the left torments me so! Give me glory, Richie Kotzen!

Look, all I want is some of the credit. Okay, I’ll take the money. YOU take the credit.  I’ve got enough credit for stuff, and quite a bit of it I don’t deserve. You’ve got enough adulation yourself, caterwauling up there with those Winery Dogs.  I have it on good authority that your guitar faces are genuine.  I’ve got a quiver full of arrows to go with that cape you wore at NAMM.  GIVE ME GLORY, ROBIN HOOD!

I’ll bet you think that OMG acrostic is clever, too.  Yes, yes, I get it. OMG. Lol.

It’s OMDG:  OH MY DEMI-GOD.

Learn it, pick-eschewer. BOW to the wraith!

Oh, and cool pedal. I’ve got killer tone for . . . Um, church.

________________________
Editor’s Note: The Richie Kotzen OMG pedal from Tech 21 NYC is amazing.  I’ve only had one gig under my belt, and by “gig,” I do mean a church environment.  make no mistake, my playing is rife both pentatonic licks and lots of cool, diad-based rhythms.  I am also a genuine fan of Richie’s playing, his singing, and the great company he keeps with Tech 21.  It was pleasure to meet them at NAMM–and furthermore, to buy this pedal from them.  I will review it in greater depth down the road . . . Oh, and thank you to Tech 21 for linking this on FaceBook!

-R

 
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The Sidewalk Prophets

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Back

Where the first film began as a concept. Editing some music for an Easter play.

The creative process is yet churning.

More to follow soon.



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Breaking my Tenkara Rod–Rock n roll edition

in August of 2012, i penned an article for Troutageous.

Reading it again, I think it’s pretty funny. I’d cross-post it here, but I’m not sure I should do that, so go HERE and check it out.

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One last screed before bed time



the old McCloud Hospital

A co-worker today told me I should “make another movie” about fly fishing.

“But this time,” he said, “make a film for people that introduces them to the basics.”

Not a bad idea. I do realize, my last film sort of assumed that the primary viewer was steeped well enough past the infatuatiory, “River Runs Through It” kind of non-acumen. It was specifically calibrated for a film festival that never materialized for my film. It also assumed the majority of the audience would agree with the antagonistic premise: that I have indeed, become the entomological Bruce Jenner to a sport in which I was reasonably respected.

Anyway, I’m thinking of making an introductory Tenkara film–replete with the usual Atrocities I commit in the narration. I think I could pull it off and make it definitive.

Also, it needs a Bigfoot hoax. 

So to the planning stages I go.

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soon

I will be on that river.



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Breathe

A little over a year ago, one of my very best friends was in his way to meet his maker. His heart stopped. Had it not been for the intervention of his friends, co-workers and the grace of God–he would have left us in his mid forties.

As he was still recovering in the hospital, with minimal recollection of my visit, I wrote this. It sits, gathering cyber-dust on a blog I had before this one, called “Six Impossible Things.” I just want it here for posterity’s sake.

 

BREATHE

C.S. Lewis once opined that the process of the miraculous was simply a place where God expedited the things that he did everyday anyway.  In so stating, his illustrative underpinning included the first miracle of Christ: the turning or water into wine.  The water is drawn into the root, up through the plant of the vine.  The photosynthetic processes come into play and the water thus becomes the very by-product of the grape itself.  Lewis’ contention was the God does everyday through the biological inertia what he did that day in the hands of his son–thereby galvanizing the moment–This is indeed, God with us.

If at any moment, reasonable men struggle with the misconstrued “God of the gaps,” they need only to look at this.  He’s not a God of the gaps, but a God that responds to a void. Gaps are for us.  Voids–are for Him.

A void.

New year’s Eve. A phone call comes.  Then another made.  My best friend from 13 years of age had fallen into the arms of a church board member.  The heart stopped.  His father told me they were headed to UC Davis, the implication in his voice saying that goodbyes may not even happen.  Brain activity was nil.  And so were his chances.  I was helpless.  And so were the people closest to him now. A pastor, father, husband, son, and friend–silenced in the blink of an eye.

A Void.

Then, the backstory fills in the whats, whys and wheres.  And that’s where this story actually begins. Sort of.

Actually it begins in Genesis. Our very being–our soul–our consciousness–begins at the formative moment that He held aloft the dust of the ground, the predicatory dirt that is our physical bedrock–and breathed into us the breath of life.

And thus began human physiology–biology in the anthropological frame.  We were alive.

And then the world turned–the eons drifted by. The scientific mind realized that the order in the universe had order.  Intelligible order.  Measurable parameters.  Verifiable laws.  Understanding emerged.  Soon, the Grand Gardener’s affinity for turning water into wine revealed the processes by which we could do it through the very channels created by Him.  We were middle-men, but we stood between Alpha and Omega to be such.

Medicinal amelioration was next.  The ethereal and nearly metaphysical claims that “life is in the blood” became plausible.  We would later discover that our literal breath–and its ancillary effects–were carried by our blood.  Before long, a crude, invasive, and violent palliative came into our purview:  A process by which the breath of life is forced into the lungs–and blood forced through to the blood–and ultimately to the vital organs.  We were not God.  But He was there. Guiding the gains.

Our breath.  Our Genesis.  Let us make man in our image . . . 

And in a metaphorical void of Genesis–a full eight hours before the advent of 2014–my friend collapses to ruin in the presence of the very people he had just underwritten for the certification of this procedure. They had literally asked him to certify them for cardiopulmonary resuscitation mere weeks before. And he did–literally days before this day–the day that this child of God would be launched into his own prequel.

And the earth was without form, and void . . .

The descriptions of the trauma; the violent intubation–the two shocks to the heart–the descriptions  of hypoxic bluing to levels described by the EMTs as being “levels they had never seen in anyone that lived,” all attainable because those with him at his traumatic Eden stood in the gap–and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life.  Suddenly the bald, physiological interrogation, borne of the fits and turns of desperation, a void in the Universe, the world losing form and the frantic need to preserve a companionship on multiple levels–the same reasons He created US–became the very miracle in real time. They became that intermediary wine-maker exemplified for us 2,000 years ago.

There’s life in the Blood.  There’s a reason the shedding of His blood was the price to carry death on his shoulders.

Because in it . . . is His very breath.

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Photo for the day

Since I am at a loss today, I leave with you with the metaphor for these days . . . The one window in Alacatraz Prison by which the city can be seen.



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The morning road



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Friday



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