Richie Kotzen better give me credit for that girth feature, or I’m gonna go vertical up in here

By Satan, Guest Columnist

By Satan,
Guest Columnist

I just spent all night, sitting up and seeding Richie Kotzen’s  Live from Sao Paulo into my torrent uploader.  I’m a spiteful wraith. That’s right, people.  Surely you don’t think the toxic, infernal underpinnings that brought you the Kardashian family is going to care about devaluing the musical currency by pumping the acoustic Fed full of .mp3’s, right?

Oh, and not to be petty, but I heard a friend of a friend say that Richie was  . . . ahem, using a pick during his brief and vascular sit-in with Grinder’s Blues at NAMM.  I’m not saying it’s true or anything . . . I’m just luxuriating in the idea  that “scandal has really well-developed quadriceps.”

I just can’t navigate the asteroid field of untruths alone.  I’m not exactly omnipresent, you know.

I’m heading over to that Tech 21 and putting Andrew Barta on notice.  This “girth” setting on the OMG pedal was MY idea. I invented it for the sole purpose of proprietary isolation–To Wit: I need guitarists to struggle with tone. I need cursing. I need derision. Quite simply, I need the existential angst that accompanies the frustrated, fulminating guitar hack to invoke me.  And you people aren’t really helping me do that now, are you

If I were you, I’d put this little feature back in the holes, and walk away.

Start messing around with the inharmonious relationships between guitarists and their gear like this, and I don’t get to hang out in the anterooms of  chaos. I don’t get summoned to the shores of Loch Ness by one Jimmy page’s  cacophonous digressions. I can’t EVEN respond to some odd, shamanic nonsense belched out by Jim Dandy at a Black Oak Arkansas reprise–invocations are becoming weak. I NEED rage.

Okay, actually I’m lying. I really don’t need any of that–not since I simply talked Glenn Danzig into drawing pentagrams on the floor of every venue.  MEET AND GREET!

But really, Richie.  The GIRTH setting?  You and I BOTH know YOURS TRULY invented a way to widen the breadth of a guitar tone to flawlessly match even one of those appallingly anemic Blues Junior amplifiers.  I even heard a guy use one at church . . . . I mean at A church I might have been walking by and stuff . . . I mean, well anyway . . . he was making it sound all big tent in there–even if he REFUSES to sing about me with ANY deferential tone.  I wish I knew why he was so put off .

Like an infernal trinity, that THIRD button from the left torments me so! Give me glory, Richie Kotzen!

Look, all I want is some of the credit. Okay, I’ll take the money. YOU take the credit.  I’ve got enough credit for stuff, and quite a bit of it I don’t deserve. You’ve got enough adulation yourself, caterwauling up there with those Winery Dogs.  I have it on good authority that your guitar faces are genuine.  I’ve got a quiver full of arrows to go with that cape you wore at NAMM.  GIVE ME GLORY, ROBIN HOOD!

I’ll bet you think that OMG acrostic is clever, too.  Yes, yes, I get it. OMG. Lol.


Learn it, pick-eschewer. BOW to the wraith!

Oh, and cool pedal. I’ve got killer tone for . . . Um, church.

Editor’s Note: The Richie Kotzen OMG pedal from Tech 21 NYC is amazing.  I’ve only had one gig under my belt, and by “gig,” I do mean a church environment.  make no mistake, my playing is rife both pentatonic licks and lots of cool, diad-based rhythms.  I am also a genuine fan of Richie’s playing, his singing, and the great company he keeps with Tech 21.  It was pleasure to meet them at NAMM–and furthermore, to buy this pedal from them.  I will review it in greater depth down the road . . . Oh, and thank you to Tech 21 for linking this on FaceBook!


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