You Think Covid-19 is Bad? Wait Until I Release The Pandemic Pocket New Testament

 

By Satan,
Guest Columnist

You don’t have to tell me that 2020 is turning out to be a veritable, traumatic melting-pot of apocalyptica.  I mean, I’m over here, trying to coax that beast out of the sea, setting up a ways and means to dry up the Euphrates, and get a chimney sweep over in anticipation of  . . .  well, a preponderance of smoke.  I’m getting all confused the with “seven heads and ten horns” thing, but I’ll get it. lol.

Then all of a sudden, I’ve got some stupid amalgam of 1918, 1968, and . . . if the protesters keep burning down the infrastructure–1917 as well (Here’s a tip I learned from Winnie Mandela, Adolph Hitler and Ivan the Terrible: People burn better than dioramas, and they make noise too!).

Also, My drill bit broke at the Yellowstone Caldera, so an untimely, world-ending, suffocating super-volcano may have to wait until I can get the time.  But that doesn’t mean I can’t get creative in the interim.

I’ve got a few projects out there

  1. The Diarrhea Dolphins
  2. A sudden influx of piano-wire seatbelt “accidents”
  3. A 12-DVD, Blu Ray, extended collection of Kevin Costner outtakes.

But the pièce de résistance for me is a new an updated take on the scriptures.  I figured I’d leave the Old testament alone, being that it’s already chock full of disruption and violence.  But it also has stories of limitless bravery, foolhardy and near chivalrous pursuits, and even the occasional and heartbreaking fall from great heights (I *might* have a slight conceptual grip on this–but I’M NOT TELLING!)

But this New Testament; what decent narrative of the Gospels is complete without an artistic projection of what would happen if current pandemic social contracts were honored during the time:

Luke Chapter 2:

7)  And she brought forth
her firstborn son, and wrapped
him in swaddling clothes, and
laid him in a manger; because
there was no room for them
in the inn.

8)  And when the governor had
it brought to his ears that the
sojourners eschewed the mask,
his anger was kindled.  And he

had  
all the first born killed with
swords.

Just so you know–Jesus got away( Spoiler: never mind)

Mathew 27

17) Therefore when they were
gathered together, Pilate said
unto them,
Whom wilt that I release
unto you?
Barabbus, or Jesus
which 
is called Christ?

18) And the people spake with
one voice; Barabbus doth  riot
and rape our daughters, but this
Jesus doth flout Ceasar with his
synagogue-going.
 Let us have
him that rapeth!

19) And Pilate made a covenant
that day  
with the people; That no
more taxation
would be used to
pay guards and Keepers
of the Law.
And the people rejoiced, and were
raped according to their deeds
night and day.

Now, I could technically spice up the Old Testament, but . . . I don’t want to.  I’ve got my hands full with this–plus–there’s this “Wormwood” thing I’m discussing with Elon Musk. Coordinates are harder to configure than they seem!

So much to do, and an eternity to do it.

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