I’m certainly hoping that when the time comes for me to have a book on Amazon, that the friends of mine that decide to review it will give their reviews some thought, and not try to front-load my sales with saucy, saccharine-addled reviews that have zero examination of the work.

I was recently reading the review for an inaugural work by a blogger—a detective novel. Without having to buy the book at all, I can tell, without even the slightest premontional skill, that the book is a dog; an overripe citrus-bomb waiting to take a chunk out of my bank account.

I can tell this for two reasons. One, is the author’s blog—a pedestrian, mid-tempo waltz through the banal and sleep-inducing. Not badly-written, mind you, but devoid of high points for the most part.

Second: the reviews that have done any decent post-mortem are all panning the detective work as a weak attempt at character development, and unrealistic parameters.

The author’s “friends” in the meantime, lost their minds and act like this thing was written on Mt. Sinai by the finger of God.

This is exactly what I don’t want out of my friends: a spastic, Gatling-gun of manufactured mania that contrasts so badly, it could’ve only been written by someone who can neither see my faults, nor think I am ugly—like my mom.

Here is what I am formally requesting to NOT HAPPEN:

Review by unknown patron:

 I really did like this book. I can point out, however, that certain trajectories in character development left me hanging. The author clearly has a great idea here, and the book is a very good one. I would just have personally preferred some closure to the lives of a few ancillary characters. For a first offering, however, I see genuine promise in this writer’s ideas and technique. I will buy future work, knowing and having full faith that the contrast of time and comparison will improve the craft.

Review by smarmy-and-helpful-buddy:

 The is the most AMAZING BOOOK I have EVER READ. I could not put it down for even on minute! It made me late for work twice this week! I also wound up suffering an iron deficiency because I was reading this book in lieu of basic nutritional needs! Anyone looking for a great story that will keep you on the edge of your seat need look no further. The world’s GREATEST AUTHOR is amongst us!!

As a matter of fact, I am officially banning the words “page-turner,” “Could not put it down,” and “epic.” I want no part of that. If my stuff is going to stand on the merits, it also needs the struggle of critical analysis.